Category: Life

30 Days of Doing my Best.

For the month of November, I set a goal for myself. I vowed to do my best, as much as I possibly could. I would, as much as I could judge, do what I “should.” This included reading with my kids instead of turning on the tv, going outside, saying “yes” when my only reason for saying “no” was that I’m lazy. It included exercising even when I would be tight on time, and showing up to my work when I planned to, even if I didn’t feel like it. I ate more of what I “should” and practiced stopping when I’d had “enough.” And because this is all very vague, I laid out some hard rules to follow; No TV, No sweets or desserts. No soda. No fast food. No coffee. No caffeine. No alcohol. Do your best. Give your best. I essentially removed all of my entertainment, distractions, and numbing devices. Here’s what I learned this past month:

-You can feel what you feel and do nothing about it- I have always felt the need to “do something” with emotions, particularly uncomfortable ones. I’ve heard people say things along the lines of being with these feelings…of staying with them…letting them be…to experience your downs, sadness, frustrations, etc. But honestly, I think I’ve always, in one manner or another, numbed myself. Life can be hard. Life can be extremely trying and stressful. And sitting with all the shit that life brings up in you…that’s hard. It’s uncomfortable and saddening and exhausting. But it is also clarifying. Being with these emotions, feeling them without the numbing of alcohol, food, tv, entertainment, whatever ways you numb, makes you see yourself, your life more clearly. After this month, I’m more aware of when I feel my worst- my saddest, my angriest, my most stressed, and pissed. I’m aware of how I’ve come to “deal” with these emotions instead of reading them for what they are- totally acceptable and useful tools to taking control of my life. You can not choose what stays and goes in your life in you don’t let yourself feel.

-Self love does not always feel very loving- Self love is a complicated concept. Often we see images depicting devotion to ourselves as luxurious bubble baths, pampering, shopping, sex, food, whatever. I suppose that self love can expressed and explored in all of these ways. But self love is also waking up early to exercise, it’s making yourself meditate, neglecting yourself of distractions to really explore how you’re feeling in your life, it’s taking the run, and going to the yoga class, and choosing to skip the second glass of wine. Sometimes self love is down right painful. Because self love, while it does include indulgence at times, is ultimately about feeling and being your overall best- it’s about caring for your body, mind, and soul from a kind, loving, gracious, and disciplined place.

-The energy of change is complicated and multifaceted- I read the Ana Forrest book Fierce Medicine earlier this year. One of the many things she shared that stuck with me was this concept of “the energy of change…”. I want that. I like that thought. The energy of change… what is that? How does that feel? What does it look like and sound like? Well here’s your very vague and likely unhelpful answer. The energy of change is both exciting dull. It’s painful and releasing. It’s clarifying and wildly confusing. It’s both bright, and dull. Moving and terribly sluggish. Change is not linear, and the energy around the experience of changing yourself and your life is ever-changing. The “trick” is to know why you want to change and then to stay with it and let it be.

-We know what we “should” do most of the time- it’s available to us. We have been provided a sophisticated system of wisdom and guidance in our beings. But many of us have also been taught to ignore such inklings. This month, I felt for the first time, maybe in my life, how it feels to honor when you’re body, mind, gut, instincts, etc, guides you. When you honor that “inner voice,” it grows. I feel like learning to honor our internal compass and navigational tools requires a lot of unlearning too; more than I can do in a month. It requires practice and patience. But it’s there, wisdom, authenticity, truth. It’s all there inside of each of us.

-The hardest part of change is belonging no where- You no longer belong to your vices, habits, or the people who share them. You’re not really a part of a new set of folks like who you’re becoming. You are alone, a soul, drifting between ways of being. We often ascribe all these little bits of ourselves to out identity. So leaving unhelpful bits of “who we are” behind can be scary. Who are you now? Who are you without your vices and hang ups? Can you bear being untethered, to belonging no where, to feeling lost? At least for a while?

Onward. Any thoughts?

Steps to Self Love

i hate nothing about you with red heart light

While I find the calls to love thy self, posted across the feeds of my social media, uplifting, I find that much of the information on how to actually do that to be terribly misleading. Often it’s scattered with simple, one-step solutions, images of zen yogis, and people in decadent bath tubs. Long baths and yoga are great. But I’m finding that one-step solutions (and bathtubs and yoga) are not the answer (at least not for me). Self-love is a life style; and for many of us, it’s one needing to be built. For you list-loving, step-needing folks who are finding the path from self-loathing to self-loving to be vague and daunting, I feel ya. This one’s for you. 💜

I’ve compiled a short list of steps that I’m currently experimenting with on my own quest toward self-love. Check it out…

Step #1 FORGIVE.

The first step on any personal quest is forgiveness. This may sound warm and fuzzy, but the burdens and guilt you haul around with you keep you stuck. Locate these in your psyche. Let it go. Forgive yourself. This is a step that is not made once, but every time your regrets and failures creep back into you life. When the ghosts of your past pains begin whispering, be prepared. Make a plan. Write it down. Keep it with you. This plan could be as simple as noticing thoughts that elicit the burdensome feelings, choosing to stop what you’re doing, and giving yourself something different to do (to create a new neural path and pull yourself out of that pattern); maybe take a walk to the water cooler. Stand up and stretch. Breathe. Sing a song. Stand on your head. You choose. But choose to forgive and let go of memories, belief systems, fears, and burdensome emotions that keep you feeling stuck, heavy, incompetent, or unworthy.

Step #2 ACCEPT.

Accept who, how, and where you’ve been. Honor the dark parts of yourself and your life for what it is- not shameful, only human; And an integral part of who you are and who you’re becoming.

Accept where you are in life. Your abilities, things you know and do not know, the way you feel, the job you work, everything as it is in this moment- accept it. This does not mean to settle, to never change, or to never strive for something different. It’s simply a step toward bringing yourself into the present and experiencing all that’s available right now.

Step #3 GROW RESPECT.

You, like all humans, are intrinsically valuable and deserving of respect. But for many of us, this truth is not enough to yield self-respecting behavior; It needs to be planned and practiced. Self-respect is like a muscle. It needs to be cultivated. Grown.

How do you do that? Give yourself something to feel good about. Set a challenging, attainable goal. And when you commit to that goal, make it matter; do not break these promises to yourself.

Attainable goals will be different from person-to-person. Here are some ideas:

  • Sign up for that 5k/10k/marathon/ultra-marathon.
  • Read instead of watching tv for 3 nights this week.
  • Call a parents/siblings/family member this week.
  • Take a walk 1 night this week.
  • Turn off the phone for one hour.
  • Get up 15 minutes earlier every day this week.
  • Substitute decaf in place of regular coffee for one of your many daily doses.

Make it whatever you want. But choose a goal that moves you in the direction of who you desire to become in an attainable way. And remember, you do not break promises to you. Not ever. In time, the energy you’re creating surrounding your commitments to yourself will spread into the other facets of your life. Let it.

Step #4 NOURISH.

I do not claim to know the purpose of life. But I’d say that enjoying it plays some part of it. So follow your bliss and find pleasure in a nurturing way. See my post “Numbing VS Nourishing” from several weeks back if you don’t know what I’m talking about. We all need to recharge, to disconnect, to refocus and allow time to recalibrate our paths. Give yourself this.

Step #5 LEAN INTO CHANGE.

Those uncomfortable feelings you get when your old habits begin to fall away- pain, anger, boredom, tiredness, laziness, feeling out of place, distracted- The space of change is murky and uncomfortable. And until you begin to really feel your newly discovered badassery, it really sucks. You may feel suddenly out of place in social circles you once called home. You may find yourself perplexed when that pint of ice cream that used to comfort you isn’t doing the trick. Try not to fix it. Instead, stay with it. Let your world shift from the inside out. Trust the process and open yourself up to the new views available when you finally allow yourself to lose sight of the shore. Underneath all that bullshit that helps secure the habits and thought patterns of the person you don’t want to be is your true self. When you begin to practice self-forgiveness and acceptance, when you are practicing and growing your self-respect, when you are supporting the growth of your best self with nourishing replenishment to you mind, body, and soul, your true self who trusts their intuition, meets life head on, and lives with authenticity begins to rise. Lean into the process of change. 

Step #6 REPEAT.

Do it all again. Reading this post, following these steps, and going through it again and again? Thats self-love. Put in the work, commit to it before anything else, and in time you’ll find that from self-loathing, you can begin to find shreds or forgiveness. Then perhaps you’ll discover a place of self-acceptance. Self-Acceptance leads you to self-respect, and that helps you discover this person in you who you actually like. And having self-like is a sure stepping stone to self-love. 

Please comment and share! Would you reorder these steps? Perhaps there’s something you think I’m missing? Tell me about it!

 

 

Being Ruled by Lies and Fear.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Keeping my 4 and 2-year-old at home was a decision I made, largely based on this idyllic image in my head of me and my daughters spending all these lovely days together, and then their going off to school as these confident, smart little girls, totally prepared (thanks to all that studying our ABC’s and 123’s at home with Mom). Add together a wild 4-year-old, a totally sweet but nutty toddler, the general stresses of gradually setting up a new life in a new place doing new jobs, financial insecurity, and a Mom (that’s me!) who sets totally unrealistic expectations for this experience= Mess, chaos, and meltdowns galore (many of which are mine). Welcome to my life 🙂

With a heavy cloud of self-doubt and frustration hanging over me, wading through a sea of Pre-K prep, Brain Quest books, and flash cards, anxiously planning out lesson’s and time with my kids, something dawned on me; This is not fun.

Life is not always fun and that’s ok. But learning, something that many of our kids go about naturally and joyfully….in this house, it’s become painful. Yikes. Stuck somewhere between sight words and numbers, I sat there thinking; Why did I want to keep the girls home again? Why am I trying to do everything? Why am I consistently shirking off my husbands advice to get help? Immediately a list of well-rehearsed answers strung through my mind…..they’ll go to school soon….spend time with them now….good foundations….connectedness with your kids….blah blah blah….and then as if that dark cloud that’d been lingering over my head sprung a lightning bolt, I saw it; I saw the truth; All these reasons I have for being the way I am now and making the decisions I have, they’re not untrue; but they are also not the whole truth. In part, they are a shield; One I’ve been wielding, feigning a noble cause, when on the flip side of these truths, there is another real and dark motive; FEAR. As if my metaphorical cloud began to pour, I suddenly saw that my perfectionism, my dedication to make my 4-year-old sit the fuck down and focus, for what it is. It’s not about protection or preparation. I am not functioning from the fear that my daughter is lacking. I am being driven from the fear that I am lacking. I sat there feeling foolish. Silly. Guilty. Here I am pressing feelings of lack and anxiety onto my perfectly fine kids. This my friends is one of many ways we pass our burdens onto our children.

“I am stupid.” “I am silly.” “I’m incompetent.” “I do not have the capacity.”

These are variations of lies I learned young and have carried with me into my adult life. We all have lies about who we think we are, and many of us go about our lives terrified of discovering their truth. 

This post is not about parenting or kids. It is not in any way meant as a commentary on homeschooling or using educational stuff with our kids. It’s about the lies we let dictate our lives. It’s about the way these lies and our fear of their truth creep into every facet of our beings. It’s about seeing them for what they are….lies, and then choosing a new way. My kids don’t need my lessons. And they certainly don’t need the energy of self-doubt that I’ve been drudging around here. They need my love and my attention. As do I, I suppose. 

When you look as your life, does it reflect who you really want to be? Your job, your attitudes, your politics, your habits, your hobbies, your relationships…in what ways do you struggle with not allowing your fears to dominate your life?

 

The “New Kid,” Making Friends as an Adult.

“Being alone in body and spirit begets loneliness, and loneliness begets more loneliness.” F Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

If you’ve ever started something new as an adult, I’m sure you’ve felt that “new kid” sting. It can send us right back to the days of braces, square pizza, and recess. We peddle around seeking and prodding to belong. To make matters worse, as an adult we’ve been taught that this “new kid” experience is just that; it’s for kids; that we’ll grow out of it as we become these awesome, accepted, belonging, valued individuals. And maybe we won’t even need friends because we are just so darn self-sufficient and independent. Right? I wish.

I am drawn to write about this right now because I’m going through it in my life. It’s uncomfortable and I feel a bit like I’m dating again. But the more I look at it, I’m finding that that makes perfect sense. We search for soul mates, boyfriends, spouses, like its our job. But since many of us have stumbled upon our besties at work, school, or elsewhere, it feels strange that we may have to go out in search of friends. But honestly, it’s not so different from seeking out your next special someone.

Why does making new friends become harder as we get older?

Steps and Tips towards Making New Friends:

  1. Drop the shame for wanting it. The desire for human connection is the most natural thing in the world. At one point in history, our survival was hinged on our belonging to a group. Its natural. So instead of feeling immature, or silly, embrace that desire, lean in, and move on to tip # 2.
  2. Discover your preferences. This is a 2-fold exercise. First, list what you’d like your new friend to be like. Next, cross off anything that is not a character trait or value. Open yourself up to the possibility of connecting to someone who is totally different than you. The 2nd part of this exercise- make another list of friendships that did not pan out. I don’t mean ones that were and then fell apart. Perhaps you met, exchanged info., maybe you went for a coffee? But then what? Why did this relationship stop there? Is it because you felt something around them you didn’t like? Was the ending on their side? Did you have a great time together but it ended due to inactivity? Did this person meet your criteria listed in part 1? This leads me to #3.
  3. Recognize that they may not need a new friend (that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be happy to have one). But they don’t need it and you do. SO you may have to do more pursuing in the beginning. Those friendships that didn’t develop? Maybe they didn’t need a new friend but if you’d pursued it longer, would it have developed? Accept to walk that weird grey area, commit to pursue a friendship, understand that you may face rejection and agree that that’s ok. This doesn’t mean to invite them out every single day. It means to be willing to be more proactive for a while, to use your instincts, trust your gut, and to actually pay attention how you feel around this person. This is just like dating! Do you have fun together? Can you be yourself? Do get the sense they are also themselves with you? Do you share values? Can you appreciate the ways you’re discovering that you’re different? Can you disagree? When you’re together, are they checking their watch or phone the whole time? Or are they engaged? Pay attention and don’t cling to the prospective of a new friendship because you’re lonely. You deserve real, connected friendships, not ones you settle on because feeling alone sucks. Give it some time. Then let go of people and friendships that continue to be one-sided, or don’t feel good.
  4. Embrace fear and notice how you function in it. Meeting new people can be scary. Like many people, I am ok with the first impressions and superficial stuff. Weather. Family. Kids. Jobs. But then what? After this, I oscillate between pouring out information about my life and freezing up, stuck. Blank. It’s awkward and sadly, seems to just be the way I deal and get through encounters with new people. This awkward scene is how I function in my fear; fear of rejection, fear of never belonging, fear of being left out. Observe your ways. Give yourself some grace. Then embrace the fear, acknowledge it for what it is; an honorable attempt to keep you from pain. And then call up that friend and invite them to coffee, for a drink, on a play date, whatever. And if you go through your awkward dance, then so be it. Smile. It’s ok, we’re all kinda weird.
  5. Accept that there is a process. There is a “dating” period. They are still feeling you out. Being new and desiring a sense of belonging can be rough, but don’t just nuzzle up to someone because they are most welcoming (though we do appreciate these folks). Instead take the time to figure out what they’re all about. Pay attention. Spend time together doing normal things. Perhaps invite them on your Target run. If you can keep showing up, eventually that awkward fear-dance from step 4 will pass. Eventually you’ll see that you’re ok and that you’ll be ok, however this and any other friendship pans out. You’ll eventually manage to relax into it. Let them reveal themselves to you in their way and time. And you do the same. Don’t show up as someone you are not; it sounds juvenile, but us adults want to fit in it too, and sometimes we behave inauthentically to do so. Let the friendship grow, if it will, in an organic way. And remember, all good things take time.

Extra Thoughts & Tips:

Kindness Rocks

Our “Kindness Rocks”

Recently my kids and I made a crude, economic version of the behavioral “marble jar”- often seen in classrooms- good behavior, add a marble. Optional- bad behavior, remove a marble. We made ours with rocks and a milk jug.

In the process of gathering rocks, we plucked several from wherever we went. In the parking lot of my daughter’s karate studio I picked up a smooth, round rock. A good one for painting (we painted our rocks), I thought to myself. I added this one to a little bag in my trunk, filled with rocks and pebbles of all shapes and sizes. As I looked them over, I was suddenly bothered. This isn’t going to work- they need to be the same. Otherwise, the act of kindness won’t match the size of the rock added (meaning it won’t take up as much space in the jug as it should, given the magnitude of the kindness). And the same vice-versa; if the act is tiny, it hardly seems fair to add a giant rock that takes up tons of room– my thoughts went something like that. Aside from the obvious fact that I was way over-thinking this project- my kids just want to paint rocks and earn treats- it also occurred to me that the quality of this project that I’m citing as flawed is actually very life-like. It’s actually kind of perfect.

In life, it’s impossible to really measure how far the effects of any act of kindness will ripple. A “thank you” to an under-appreciated server could be the thing that changes his day. It could be the impetus that reminds him that he’s doing something real and valuable and worthy of “thank you,” and that he in general is a worthy, valuable human being (you never know!). While it may not contribute to a literal “Kindness Rocks” jug, all kindness, no matter how small, matters. It all counts. It all contributes to a greater good.

Can you imagine…

…if we all chose eye contact with people serving us, instead of our screens?

…if everyone gave the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst?

…if everyone always held the door? and respected right-of-ways? and drove safely because who knows who’s in the cars around them? and left the last bite for their partner? and loved on their kids despite their being little shits? and decided to get curious instead of judgmental when faced with people different than us? Or maybe if we didn’t even reach this far and we all simply decided to say “please” and “thank you”?

All. Kindness. Counts. 

My Dog the Manifesting Machine

Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

The movie is set. The popcorn is popped. The kids are pj-ed. Bruno, my dog, is prepped in his usual spot, back to the tv, sitting before the couch, staring adamantly at me.

He’s poised. Focused. He’s certain of his coming treat. And as I sit there munching on the popcorn that Bruno is so eagerly awaiting bits of, it occurs to me…this dog is a manifesting machine.

I’ve been listening to life gurus and reading the self-help books for years. Manifest. Source energy. The secret. Your vibrations. I get it; I hear what they’re saying and on a very superficial level, I get it. But to live it? I’m still on that journey. And yet, here before me, day in and day out, is this manifesting master; my dog.

He knows exactly what he wants; Popcorn bits tossed up which he can nab out of the air and swallow whole. He’s certain of it’s coming; so certain in fact, that every move I make, he flinches, prepared to leap. He’s doing everything in his doggy-trick-arsenal to get his goal. He sits- and that’s all he can do, so he sits and sits and sits. When one path (Mommy throwing popcorn) seems to be becoming stale, he tries others! He sits and stares at Daddy, then kid 1, then kid 2, and then he starts all over again. And perhaps most animalistic, least human-like, and so very vital and powerful- he has no concept of worthiness. He doesn’t spend hours and days and years toiling over being worthy of treats. He has no concern of being “not enough”. He just shows up, knowing exactly what he wants, and does what he can do with certainty!

Can you imagine if we chased our own desires this way?

Can you… can I… Focus on our goal(s) the way my dog focuses on flying popcorn treats? Can you see them (your goals) with assurance of their fulfillment? Can you commit to doing anything and everything in your power to achieve it? Can you follow through on that? Can you change course when prompted to do so? Can you not judge what you want?

Can you believe it? Can you live it?

Numbing VS Nourishing

Photo by Chris Liverani on Unsplash

When you’re tired, down, defeated, sad, alone, lost…do you nourish your mind, body, and spirit? Or do you numb it?

So often when we’re experiencing any of the above emotions (and many others) instead of feeding ourselves what we need, we fill up on junk that may give a moment of release, but ultimately robs you of the opportunity to truly find a sense of replenishment and energy. I’m not just talking about diet here- we are what we eat. But we are also what we watch, read, think, how we sleep, what we believe in, who we spend time with…we are a culmination of many habits, preferences, and circumstances.

To make matters of numbing vs nourishing all the more confusing, we’re bombarded with messages on social media, tv, movies, music, everywhere really, with false information about what will make us feel better.

But the reality is that chugging Fanta in the street will never be as exciting as it appears in the ad. Binge-watching Seinfeld for the millionth time (it’s a classic, I agree), because you just need to zone out for a bit, will not give your mind the peace it craves. Eating the entire cake will not make the stressful situation in your life any less stressful or any more dealt with. And that impromptu shopping spree? It’ll only disguise the inferiority and fears you feel for a hot second. But we all know this, right?

TV is not inherently evil. Fanta and sodas probably are not either. Shopping can be pretty fun. And I, for one, really love chocolate cake. But when we use decadence, laziness, sugar, caffeine, booze, among tons of other stimulants and numbing-agents, to keep us from feeling what we’re going through, we’re losing out. Instead, is it possible to set these indulgences in our lives aside as just that? To enjoy them in a way that honors our growth? Is it possible to look into the behaviors that we’ve called “resting” and call them out for what they really are? Hiding. Procrastinating. Numbing. 

How do you respond to your body’s call for rest? For nourishment? What are some ways we can replenish ourselves without the boozing, the bingeing, and the self-loathing?

 

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